Should You Focus On Your Career or Love Life?
What if you didn’t have to choose?
Recently, one of my employees decided to resign. I was totally caught by surprise, as I thought things were going great. Well, apparently not. This unfortunate situation seemed oddly familiar, as if I had experienced it before, yet in a seemingly different setting. After some retrospection, I found the source of this déjà vu. In fact, it confirmed a theory I had been trying to formulate for a while now: Careers are strangely similar to our Love lives.
The analogy in this case is that my employee’s resignation had me go through the same five stages of grief as one could expect after a breakup.
When first faced with the news, my first and immediate reaction was that of shock and denial: “What? You’re kidding, right? But I thought you liked it here?”
“It’s not you, it’s me” was, in summary, the reason provided. Sounds familiar? It’s a classic!
Then came anger: “How could they do this? We were a terrific team! They didn’t really give us a chance. What a terrible decision. They’re totally going to regret leaving.”
After realising that my anger was misplaced, the bargaining stage took over: “Can’t we work something out? Is there something I can do to change your mind?”
Filled with self-doubt and self-blame, I then got hit with the stage of depression: “They were supposed to be ‘the one’… and they were so hard to find to begin with… I’m never going to find anyone else as good… I dread going back on the market… Why would someone want to be with me? I don’t have what others have to offer. I’m not good enough.”
As demoralising as it got, I eventually reached the last stage: acceptance. “Ultimately, this is what’s best for both of us. I respect their decision. They were unhappy in this relationship and it’s better we split now than later.”
This little anecdote illustrates the curious similarities between career and love. Both of them play such massive roles in our lives and are usually the focal points of our respective aspirations as we search for ‘the one’ career and ‘the one’ true love. It can feel daunting to juggle the two at once, thus many of us tend to neglect one to focus on the other. We fail to realise the intrinsic parallels between them, and that the very same behaviours that drive success in one will generate success in the other. Until now.
THE KEYS TO A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AND A SUCCESSFUL LOVE LIFE ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME
To truly flourish in your career and in your love life, I’ve identified five keys to success.
Before we jump into each one, let’s take a step back and start at the beginning: The Search.
Whether we’re looking for the perfect career or for the love of our lives, we go through a similar exploration phase. While many will advocate for ‘networking’, currently, the most popular search method by far is: Online.
Your work resume (“CV”) is basically the equivalent to your dating profile. And let’s not lie to ourselves… our resume/profile probably makes us look better than reality! I once saw on a CV: “Orchestrated the creation of our best selling product from start to finish and achieved a 10% increase in average output.” Turns out, this person was in charge of the fries station at McDonald’s. Evidently, I gave this applicant extra points for creativity and judicious use of vocabulary! Similarly, in my past dating profiles, I described myself as being 5’7” and a half, when in reality, the extra half-inch is debatable. I’d say it depends on the day and on my posture.
Applying for jobs online is very much akin to dating apps. You can find all sorts of postings, and most of them will want to catch your attention by appearing attractive, enticing, and like can’t-miss opportunities. Yet, the vast majority are not a good fit for you. You’ll likely need to filter through countless unsuitable options.
A lesson many of us have learned is that quality supersedes quantity. (Unless, of course, we’re talking about being swarmed by puppies, then the more the better!). Blasting out resumes to all kinds of jobs is usually not a successful endeavour. (In the dating framework, this is someone that ‘swipes right’ on everyone!). Admittedly, your interest in those jobs (or people) is probably ungenuine and is reflected in the low effort you put into the application. On top of that, you’re likely to only draw interest from sketchy companies (or people) and end up wasting a lot of time weeding out their unfulfilling offers. Granted, if you’re desperate and only looking for a quick buck (!), I believe you can generally easily find a suitor.
The online job and love search share the same frustrations. Many of the applications you send out won’t even receive a reply, let alone an acknowledgment. Other times, you may exchange a few words, only to quickly realise the poor fit. It can be tough on your confidence and morale, as you start spiralling down into negative thoughts such as: “I’m never going to find… No one wants me. I’ve put myself out there, and there weren’t any takers.”
Yet, every once in a while you will fall onto a potential match. You try not to get ahead of yourself and maybe you tread tepidly due to past disappointments. You remind yourself that the next logical step is to meet, either in an interview (for job seekers) or on a date (for love seekers): The Rendez-vous.
As the meeting day arrives, you probably feel a mix of jitters, stress, and hope. You want to look your best, so you put on your most stylish outfit. You rehearsed your answers to the most common discussion topics: “Tell me a bit about yourself,” “Where do you see yourself in 10 years,” “Do you prefer your place or mine?” (Obviously, I’m talking about work-from-home or at the office.) You even practised your fake laugh (ala Chandler Bing) and researched (stalked) as much as possible about the other, all in the hopes of leaving a lasting impression.
However, no matter how prepared you are, you will sometimes get struck by moments of self doubt where you question your worth as well as your ability to read the situation. It could be because of bad memories that haunt you, like that one time you thought you felt a connection with the other, only to never hear from them again. Or that time you asked about that woman’s due date, but it turned out she wasn’t pregnant.
Lucky you! You avoided those pitfalls and the rendez-vous went well. The circumstances are right and there’s a proper connection. You’re ready to officially start: The Relationship.
Be careful though. Even if it is seemingly a match, whether it’s due to a lack of confidence or being too eager to impress, people often fall into the trap of putting on a mask and being a fictitious version of themselves. This is clearly to the detriment of all involved. Herein lies advice #1:
1) BE YOURSELF
Whether it’s your future employer or your future partner, you want them to want you. The real you. There’s no point in pretending to be someone you’re not, no matter how incredible your fake British accent is. No good can come out of lying about your capabilities, interests, or past. The truth will come out eventually and it will be considerably worse than if you were simply honest from the get-go. Even if you manage to perpetuate the lies, you’ll likely be miserable because it takes tremendous energy to be someone you’re not. Like when I exhaust myself trying to dunk a basketball. (No, that extra half-inch doesn’t help.)
The employer or spouse will also suffer disappointment when they realise they didn’t get what was advertised. Regardless, don’t you want someone to choose you for your true self, no matter how quirky you are or how many cats you have? You possess your own set of morals and values, and there will be situations where certain people and employers will have differing views from yours. It’s important to remember that neither side is right or wrong. You just have different thoughts and realities. Yet, if both parties can’t work towards an eventual alignment, unlike my mom’s fried rice, that is clearly not a recipe for success.
So, be authentic, know your worth, and love yourself! When you do land that coveted job or meet that special someone in transparent circumstances, you’ll be reassured that they chose you for the real you, and vice-versa. That is a great foundation on which to build mutual trust; trust that will be a cornerstone on which to lean on as you realise that, while your search might be done, each side now should continue pushing the other for…
2) CONSTANT GROWTH AND WORK
Unless you’re in a Disney movie, there is no situation where you find the job or lover of your dreams and then live happily ever after. Oh no, it doesn’t stop there! Healthy relationships, whether career or romantic, don’t happen automatically. They are two things that evolve constantly over time. To be successful, you have to evolve as well.
For each respective partner, things will undoubtedly change in each’s own individual way. Life will bring its fair share of challenges, whether it be setbacks, bad news, or opportunities. How do you deal with these challenges? Are you comfortable with how the other deals with theirs?
While these personal events will usually push you to work on yourself and grow as a person, it is important to ensure these changes also address the wellbeing of the relationship as a whole. You are essentially a partnership, going on a joint venture. Whether we’re referring to an employer or a significant other, if one side doesn’t put in the effort, they will eventually lose the other.
A trick is to view these changes as milestones; natural progressions that bring their own sets of challenges and to which each side has to adapt to:
- You just completed your 3-month probationary period at work?
Congratulations! Your lover is no longer entertaining offers from other suitors! - You just got a salary increase?
Congratulations! You’ve now just moved in with your better half! - You just got promoted at work?
Congratulations! You’re now engaged! - You are now managing subordinate employees?
Congratulations! You’re now a parent!
Throughout these milestones, whether career or romantic, it is imperative to keep open lines of communication. Let the other party know how you’re dealing with these changes and how they affect your partnership. Constantly adapt, grow and work together. In order to ensure you are always able to overcome these inevitable challenges, you will definitely need to…
3) BE COMMITTED TO BE THE BEST
Being committed is one thing. Being committed to being the ‘best’ is another. The latter is a mindset that allows you to be fully invested and in sync with your choice of career and partner. You’re confident that this is the job or the person you want to grow with, which makes it much easier for you to strive to continuously improve. Conversely, if your head and heart are not entirely in harmony with your choice, it is bound to fail. It is kind of like trying to lose weight, but eating cookies on the treadmill.
Why do many feel this lack of absolute commitment? Usually, it’s because they don’t feel ‘it’. Maybe they don’t feel fulfilled or they’re in it for the wrong reasons, such as solely for the money or not to feel lonely.
Why is it bound to fail? Because when you’re not fully committed, you will likely cede to the temptation. Those other cookies sure do look delicious! The grass will appear greener elsewhere and you’ll want to eat the cookies on that lawn (!). Even for the most dutiful that never give in to the temptation, the feeling that their career or love life just isn’t ‘right’ will always remain.
When it doesn’t feel right, you will never be the best. Career-wise, you will be haunted by the feeling of untapped potential. Love-wise, neither you or your significant other will be fulfilled. In both cases, the possible outcomes are that you will eventually end up leaving (or be let go), or stay but be miserable.
To truly be the best, you have to reach a point where your mind is set on that career/spouse. You have to genuinely believe that this is ‘the one’. That conviction and mindset will be vital to get you through the highs and lows, in sickness and health, because…
4) NOTHING IS PERFECT, ACCEPT IT
As you probably already know, nothing is perfect. Some could argue that a big ice cream cone on a hot summer day is the epitome of perfection. However, I think my lactose-intolerant cousin would disagree. That’s one example of how the definition of ‘perfect’ is different from one person to the next. How can something be perfect if it isn’t for everyone?
It’s not because you’re 100 percent committed to being the best at your job or as a spouse that everything will just be rainbows and butterflies. It’s not that simple unfortunately. There will also be lightning and moths… or whatever the opposite of rainbows and butterflies is. In other words, there will be things you don’t like and there will be ups and downs. Isn’t it annoying how your boss holds unnecessary meetings on Fridays at 5 p.m.? Or how your better half never helps with the dishes?
While these examples may be deal breakers for some, for others, they are merely realities of that job or person. When your mind is set on this career and love, you overlook or accept these annoyances because, in the bigger picture, they hold little relevance to your overall satisfaction and happiness in the relationship. You accept the fact that nothing is perfect, and that you will once in a while get struck by lightning and swallow a couple of moths. You also realise that, unless you’re Beyoncé, you’re not perfect yourself. There will be times where you lose patience or motivation, however something you should never lose is…
5) RESPECT
Before even thinking about respect for others, you first have to look inwards. It is only when you respect yourself and appreciate your worth (see advice #1) that you can truly thrive in your work and in a couple. With self-respect, you won’t let an employer or lover mistreat you, take advantage of you, or make you go outside of your core values.
As alluded to previously, no relationship is perfect. There will assuredly be difficult times, with disagreements, arguments, and days where you dread even being there. It could be for all sorts of reasons, such as unmet expectations or incongruency in opinions, beliefs or future outlook. Some may be your fault, while others might not make any sense to you. Yet, a bit like grey hair, you know that these are unavoidable realities of life. How you deal with these realities is what determines your success. Do you love yourself less because of your ageing follicle colour, or do you rock the salt and pepper look with utmost confidence? Do you love your career or spouse less because of these difficult times, or do you continue displaying utmost respect as you work through and resolve them?
Respect means being honest and transparent. It also includes patience and open communication. It involves having two-way discussions about expectations and when there are issues. We’ve all been taught since a very young age (myself, by Sesame Street) to treat people the way we want to be treated. Be kind, genuine and generous. Act with integrity and empathy. It costs you nothing and you have everything to gain. Have people remember you in a positive light. Leave your mark. It’s crazy how the world seems to send back karma in unsuspecting ways. Make sure yours is good karma.
TIME TO CHOOSE
Unfortunately, life is not like what we see on TV. We’re sold fake Hollywood ideas of how careers and love should be. Obviously I would love to be a lawyer if it meant being Harvey Specter and solving complex legal cases with a single conversation and a few well-placed witty remarks. Obviously I would love to meet up with my friends at a bar every day for nine seasons while I recount how I met the mother of my children, like Ted Mosby.
Obviously, reality is clearly different. In fact, we are all different. Some stay with their first love or first job forever. Others (like me) have to explore a few different options before finding the one to commit to. You make your own path.
Don’t stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. Life is too long and too short. There are alternatives out there. Transitions can be painful, but they open up exciting new possibilities.
Remember the parallels between career and love, and how your skills in one are transferable and applicable to the other. Remember to be yourself, to constantly work and grow, to commit to being the best, to accept the imperfections, and to live with respect.
So, should you choose success in career or love? I don’t know about you, but I know I can achieve both.
This is Christopher Ah-kion’s first article in over a year and a half. Therefore if you find grammatical errors, you can blame it on rust. Please feel free to leave rave reviews, as it encourages the author to share more of his thoughts. You may also receive a personalized response and an autographed picture of the star of your choosing. (note: the actual autograph itself would be from the author, not the star)
